Fits and Giggles

My prior blog post was dedicated to loss, and heartbreak. It was clear in my words, and the egg shells I walked on when writing that in the moment I thought I was standing my ground, recognizing the pain, and was strong enough to believe, I could walk away. What I want to be honest about, was I wasn't. Those words came from a girl, who was in love, deeply. They were words of hope in a sense, with a lingering sadness. They expressed mildly the nature of my current state, but, they weren't honest.  Pretending to be someone I'm not, because fear of rejection has been a consistent struggle in my life. Strength in moments of weakness, that I portrayed, was not the strength I so eagerly wanted to have. So, I wrote, I used words, to deliver what I could, masked by underlying weakness.  Within the last year, I have experienced true rejection, betrayal, defeat, on multiple levels. I had lost faith in myself and thought that I deserved the way I was being treated, both personally and...

  Sitting here, starring at my screen, figuring out how to portray what I’ve experienced and felt in the past few months, is hard. Its not hard because I can’t explain in words what I’m feeling, its hard because I’m not even sure if this is when I should share, explain, or try to release. What’s different, is that the feeling of numbness is still so present, it almost masks the true intention of the reason why I am writing, but, I have always felt that when I write I find clarity. Clarity is something I’ve been struggling to find, so any attempt that allows a vulnerability to show itself, is a method that I will never turn down. There is no intent of this blog to intensify any sense of ill feelings towards this human, there is no need to establish an understanding to those reading as to what the person meant to me, did to me, or even the brokenness they left me in. That is apparent, and that is brutal enough to process myself, let alone push anymore blame or ill intent into the...