When I decided to Hit the Pause Button.

When I have an overwhelming feeling or experience or a mood swing-ishness I write, and explain, and publish, because it’s in all entirely freeing and it’s almost like a scratch you can’t itch, it does not stop scratching until you’re able to reach that spot, find some weird object that enables you to get to the spot, and itch the damn thing. 

This is me itching and getting the damn spot. 

Growing up, I always was fortunate enough to always have family around. I was never more then 20 minutes away, and was always able to make it home if I needed to be home. This was familiar to me, and I really didn’t know anything but. 

What I realized was how much I missed this when I moved away, and wasn’t able to jump in my bug/s (if you know me you know) jeep, or whatever I was driving at that time and hop in my car and go to my grandma’s house to make applesauce, or go to my grandma’s house for stuffed shells, or go upstairs and simply sit in the same room as my brother, or watch Wheel of Fortune with my mom and dad. It’s funny to me that you really truly don’t realize how much you appreciate and rely on this comfort, until you aren’t able to have it at your finger tips.

Now there are two ways to truly feel about the above. What I realized was harping (?) not sure if thats the correct verbiage, or almost pulling me down was that I just missed my damn family. I missed the familiarity of people who have known me for years, knew me for me, before my career began in the city, before I traveled and saw the world, before my successes, before my downfalls, before I grew into the person I am today. I started feeling as if I was putting up a show, and walls, for others, to try and be what I thought  they wanted me to be. It entirely was exhausting, I began to lose myself and I just wanted to be home. 

This put a damper on my career, my attitude, my choices, and how I came off and interacted with others. I just wasn’t me, and I knew I had to make changes. I wanted to get back to.me.

I knew what I needed to do, and made a commitment to myself that I would follow through with every and any choice that would only bring happiness. This meant a career change, this meant removing any toxic relationships, this meant re-engaging with everything that made me happy. I read, I listened to country music, I binged some of my favorite shows, I worked out, I cooked (I can see the smirks) I ate healthy and then I pigged out, I cried, laughed, danced, I.did.me.

I put my ego aside, and opened up and reached out to those I trust and love, and recognized I needed the help, I needed the comfort, I needed the unselfish love and generosity, and it was okay to let people in, it was okay to accept and acknowledge the fact that these people care, are not leaving, and only want the best for me. 

I think when people go through rough times, hearing words like “You’re going to land on your feet, you always do” (Gma Ross) “I just want you to be happy, you are going to be fine” (Cashton aka my mom) “I’m here and will do anything (Bola).."I've been there and I understand" (Ash)...is what reminds you that you are going to be okay, and yes, you might be in a shit hole but that shit hole can be buried with 9ft of dirt, that you can stomp the f out of and plant some flowers on top of. 

My thinking has changed, and how I see myself and others has changed. The past month has been a wooden creaky 25 year old roller coaster that went from hands in the air enjoyment, wanting to hurl on the curve, to smooth sailing into the last loop. I recognized when I needed to pause, and I did just that, I paused. 

There are going to be times in your life that throw you upside down, but its these times when you understand your true inner strength. It’s about not letting something break you, bend yes, but learning how to handle any situation and realize you are the most important person in your life. 

I now see myself as a strong independent 30 year old, who has worked her ass off to get where she is. A woman who can stand strong alone, and take care of herself, a woman who has the inherited strength from a long line of beautiful and strong women. 

A woman who recognizes that a soulmate doesn’t have to be in the form of a significant other, and can be a friend that you met when you first moved to the city. A woman who doesn’t rely on anyone else for her happiness, and a woman who will grow, mature, and learn, a woman who acknowledges her self worth.

Most importantly a woman who is ready to be herself again. 

So bottom line. Your down falls do not define you, stop beating yourself up and being so hard on yourself, enjoy whatever phase of life you’re in, do what makes you happy and only what makes you happy, and tell those you love, that you love them. 

xoxo

Abby. C Ashton