"SHE GROWS because she asked, because she fought, because she learned, because she shared, because she said so, she grows."

Growing up us a little girl, understanding what happiness was, was never a concern of mine. Before we are given life’s lessons, of loss, disappointment, failure, heartbreak, and rejection, we don’t know any better, but to simply be. To be who we are without second guessing our decisions. To laugh, love, ask for help, because its born instincts driving our needs, and its out of pure innocence that we are truly recognizing happiness. 

Now what they don’t tell you when they pop out into this magical world, is that this fairy tale world you want stay in, has an expiration date, and growing up, is not an option. You then begin to enroll into this insane path that you are given, that is unique only to your story. You are blindsided with a reality that is not perfect, full of disappointment, heartache, failures, and rejection, and your idea of what true happiness is starts to spin into a chaotic cycle. 

With this chaos, you search for peace, you search for answers, your only want is to make it all make sense. Once you finally think you put those pieces of the puzzle together, you realize that that puzzle was put together easily for a reason, it wasn’t your puzzle to put together to begin with. 

I have always been person that is not good with living with no plan. I always strived to try and understand what was next, why was I here, and figure out what I am supposed to do that will bring me happiness.

 I look back and can pinpoint multiple times that I thought I figured it out. Once upon a time, I was insanely in love, and thought being with that person was all I wanted and needed. At one point, I thought moving across the world to pursue my education even further was what I needed. At another point I thought money, and living a lavish lifestyle, not worrying about living on pay check to paycheck is what I needed. At one point, I thought having as many people in my life as possible, regardless of their intentions, was what I needed.  

What I’ve come to realize, is that I needed to go through each event I described above, and many I left out to come to the beautiful place I am now. I have realized, that happiness involves one thing, and one thing only. Being happy with yourself. Loving yourself, understanding yourself, and relying only on yourself for that happiness. You have one life to live, and that is your life alone to make sure you make the best you can and ensuring you’re truthful to yourself. Once you realize this, the potential is insanely amazing. 

You realize you can do whatever you want to do, regardless of what that is. You realize that every shitball storm you’ve been served, you dealt with, got up, and started again, and with that comes the strength in knowing you can do anything. 

You then realize, that working in the digital world, behind a desk, is really not the path you are looking to stay on. With this new found strength I finally grabbed life by the balls, and decided to show it who’s in charge, and practice what I preach, and do what I want to do to with my life, and completely switch gears, because I knew this is what would make me happy. 

Applying to the Peace Corp has been in the back of my mind for about 2 years now. I’ve always secretly researched it, read stories, and was just inspired by the work. These people give up everything, are stationed across the world, to just give back, to explore new cultures, to help those in need, it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard about. 

I took the first step in November, and wrote the essay. What was insane to me, and If you know me I’m not a hugely emotional person, but I had tears in my eyes when I was writing this essay (and theres a few coming on now). This overwhelming sense of clarity came, and I just felt like I was being me again, and doing something that I should of done a long time ago. 

I have come to realize that the life of NYC that I grew up fantasizing about, just isn’t for me. I’ve realized there is more to life then getting a paycheck to me. There is more to life then trying to be someone I’m not, or live some lifestyle to simply post about on FB and IG, when I’m truly not fulfilled and happy. 

BUT, that does not mean I regret any choice I’ve made. Working in NYC, living in Hoboken, has made me into the person I am today. The confidence, life skills, people I’ve met, both bad and good, lessons I’ve learned, peaks, lows, successes, and failures have made me into the person I am right now, writing this blog, and I can say I am insanely proud of myself.

So to end the blog of all blogs, my official announcement (FF a few months since November) I was accepted into the Peace Corp. I will be leaving in July, to take on a passion I have always wanted to explore of teaching. I will be involved in multiple projects while I am over and just doing what I can to make their lives better. 

I’ve decided spending time with family before I go is more important then continuing on with the digital realm, and will be moving home at the end of march. I hope to connect as much as possible with loved ones, re-connect with those that I haven't been able to, and be surrounded around what made me who I am today. 

I am excited, overwhelmed, nervous, but most of all I’m ready. 

I cannot wait to see where this crazy life of mine takes me next, but i will say, I have never been prouder, confident and stronger in and of myself.

Heres to the next chapter of this crazy thing we call life. 

xo

Abby C Ashton