We're in This Together

I have always used this platform to share what is going on in my head, I've used it as a way to invite others into my world, to share memories, faults, successes, failures, and to emphasize and prioritize the significance of publicizing my love for those I care about. I've used it to help get me through heartaches, I've used it to try and find some clarity, I've used it to provide humor and I've used it to try and provide insight and understanding.

I think what I enjoy the most about being able to compile my thoughts, into somewhat of a organized manner, is that it does just that, after I sit and write, and blog, I am able to understand what I am going through at the time, and I can convey that in hopes I bring some type of understanding or hope to whomever decides to take the time to read this. 

This post is aligned with the others, but its a post that I am writing where unlike others, am not at my best. I think it takes courage, strength, and humility, to be able to admit when one is down, and feeling defeated, to admit that I do not have it completely together at the moment, and that I am just like everyone else, hanging on day by day, in hopes this gets better. 

To say my story thus far is conventional would be like saying a zebra isn't born with stripes. I've not taken the path that many would deem reliable or safe in any way. I've always had a sense and stride for adventure, for experience, and for unconventional growth. I've taken the path that many would stray away from, for prime reasons of wanting stability, comfort knowing they have it figured out, and the ability to know that if the world decides to blow up, as it seems to be doing now, they know their next step. 

Now stating this, I will take responsibility, in that I've made my own choices, I've taken leaps in hopes I would land on my feet. I've put possible relationships on hold because they were holding me back from pursuing my career, and my interests, and developing a relationship with myself. I've left jobs to pursue new outlets, and roles, while leaving what I thought I was meant to do behind, in hopes of developing every part of myself that I needed to develop. 

For this I will never apologize, or burden myself with thoughts of guilt or second guess any choices I've made, because those were the right choices. I recognize the courage, and I recognize the resilience in myself, that I developed, that was and is worth the chances I've taken. 

Many of you know, I previously made a huge leap of faith and attempted to purse a mission that was way larger then any career move, relationship, or any decision I've ever made. Something that I was so certain of, was quickly, unexpectedly taken away, and with that I had to figure out what was next, I had to land back on my own two feet, like I always have. 

And I did. 

I picked myself up, battling the embarrassment, and heartbreak of the situation I thought was so destined for myself, and took another chance and moved to a state, once again, that I had no backing in. I decided to take the chance with a new career, a new role, and even with every uncertainty, heart palpitation of the unknown, I went in full force, and although it wasn't easy, I succeeded. I gave my all. 

What I didn't expect or even was ready for, was last Wednesday at 4:45, when I got the call that I've been laid off. I think what really shakes you the most, is when you are really naive to what is going on, to think that it won't effect you, and even though you are going through it, even though you are watching the news everyday, you just don't think you will get that call, because you know you didn't deserve that call. 

But it happens, and your entire world, stops. 

I felt like I got punched in the stomach, my voice cracked when I tried come up with words of understanding, and I just felt weak. Thoughts of course start crashing to the surface, rent, bills, moving, your plan, your feelings that you were finally settling, that you were finally ready to not go job to job, state to state, that you finally just felt at peace, shattered.

I want to let many know, that I broke, I fell, and I couldn't quite catch my breath. I realized that I may have had a slight panic attack, was something like I've never felt before. I realized that not only has it been weeks on weeks that I haven't been in touch with anyone, but it was also the last thing I was holding onto in this chaos time, was having that paycheck, and that was taken. 

I'm writing this to hopefully let others know it's okay to break and fall. A lot of us have this persona that we give off that we have it together all the time, that we've never had the gut shattering what the f now feeling, and thoughts of just pure depression. This makes it so much harder for others to share what they go through, and it makes it that much harder for people to know how normal it all is and that it's okay to not have it figured out. 

So, I let myself fall, I cried, I broke down, but what was different this time, was I reached out. 

I called, I messaged, I didn't mask or hold back what I was going through, I let myself feel, and just have my pity party. 

What came of this was something I forever will be grateful for, and cannot express in words, or gratitude how thankful I am for every single person in my life, that was there. I realized that I am not alone, although physically, I have so much support, that I honestly felt shocked that I didn't realize it from the beginning. 

I realized I didn't realize this because I never did the one thing I needed to do, all along, which was to reach out and accept the love I have always had around me. 

I think this post is one of the most honest things I've ever shared, and I hope it brings someone some light at the end of their tunnel, a push to call, text, email, whatever you need to do, whoever you feel comfortable in speaking with, just talk, and if you are on the reciprocating end of that call, just listen, we all just need to be there for each other. 

I have no idea what tomorrow holds, what my plan is, if i can even put together a plan, but i know I'll be okay, and it's because of the support and love I've been shown these past few days, that I will always know I have, and for that I am thankful and just wanted to say thank you.

Hang in there, sending prayers, and well wishes. 

Xo

Abby C. Ashton