Express to Digress

I always like to mention, the reasons I continue to explore this way of expressing myself is because once my fingers hit this keyboard, everything just flows. Its like I'm pouring out my entire mental space onto this single piece of paper. There's no filter or rephrasing, I don't correct any grammatical errors, because there isn't punctuations in your mental health. If anything, its a massive pit of thoughts, words, ideas, images, jumbled into one large pile of insanity. 

There's no right or wrong way to express. Where i find myself not feeling my best, is when I don't, so I'm here to just express. 

I know when i mention Greys Anatomy, there will be a sense of its a TV show, and how can a TV show, made up of actors, make you feel a way but to me there is messages in everything we choose to watch, listen, breathe in, and surround ourselves with.

However we utilize our time, if we look, you can find a message, something bigger then yourself, something that is trying to speak to you, and its just about not speaking, not opening your mouth, just listening and acknowledging

The episode really fell in sync, not only with the current pandemic times, but also with what is currently going on in my life personally.

 As one gets older, you realize that means everyone you love continues with the same pattern. I think for me, growing up, I just and still do, look at my family as being untouchable. I don't want to see anyone struggle, I don't want to acknowledge any type of illnesses that they're struggling with, it crushes me to think of anyone getting older, and at one point not being here. The reality of the situation is, that I am not given that magical pass. 

There is no right way to deal with a loved one getting older, acknowledging they aren't as physically strong as they were before, knowing that its just what it is, is what kills and hurts the most. We are all going through this constant state of growth, its un-compromising, its excruciating, but its also painfully beautiful. 

I am sitting here tonight, feeling a lot of different emotions, that really just are meant to be felt, and not understood. Understanding is exhausting, and should be kept for situations you're meant to understand. 

There's no verbally correct thing to want to say, there's no brief statement to describe a feeling that just sits, because its meant to just sit.

This is where you learn the strength of vulnerability, that only comes with genuine honesty and realization of the ache you feel inside.

 My words tonight, are meant to just flow effortlessly on this page how they wanted to. I came off of the realization after ending Grey's episode tonight, that I am so scared to lose anyone I love, I am so scared to not have them here, I am scared to be scared of being too scared to not want to feel being scared. And in that, is where I am. 

Hug those that you can, call those you can't, and let it be as its meant to be.  

-Abby C Ashton.