Brutal B, with Some Honesty.
Once in a while I have this sudden urge to just write, write it out, with no real reason behind what I am trying to convey or say. Sometimes there really isn't a real message or a want to try and persuade anyone to read what I am writing or conveniently saying it in my own way of saying it.
I do think any post can be relatable to anyone in the way that they perceive the words on the page, and begin to hear themselves as the author vs reading someone else's thoughts. I think its because we are all living our lives behind the curtain, doing our damn best, but shying away at sharing, and allowing others to see who we truly are. This meaning our struggle stories, that for many, are never shared based off of the fear of judgment, and shame.
Do we truly ever know anyone? Are we ever truly honest with another human being about who we actually are, or is it just this façade of letting others see what they want to see. I read somewhere that there are multiple versions of ourselves, the one true self that we are born with, which we evidently lose along the way. Then the versions that other people perceive us as. Each time we meet someone, they develop a perception of who we are based on what we are giving them in that moment.
Each relationship is unique, and some grow, developing deeper insights into who you are, or at least what you are allowing that person to see, and some people you meet just for that instance, and that version of you is existing out there, with someone, whom you may not even recall.
Why is it that we can so easily give off so many different views of our selves to others, but we cant seem to identify and be in sync with who we were born to be. Its a constant reality of molding ourselves into different personalities, which we are all doing in all honesty just to impress everyone else. Its exhausting, and if anything I have taken on the role of 1million + 1 of those selves.
I think its because we have small traumatic events through out life, that slowly build up, and we learn to basically protect ourselves. Now re-read that sentence, we learn to protect our "selves". Yes, we learn how to get up the next day, yes we build on our inner resiliency, but every time we roll over the emotion, or feeling, we are pushing that original self further and further down the rabbit hole .
We begin to do things to please other people, we present a version lets say on a night out, that is different then our employees share, that is different then what we portray to our romantic partner, that is different from what your brother may see you as, or your grandmother, and in all likely you may not even know which self you were originally intended to be.
It's a lot of consistent pretending, and coming from personal experience, I have realized the insanity of this all.
We all want these deep connections with others, we are constantly working on ourselves, trying to figure out why we don't have what others have, why aren't I getting that fairy tale, why don't I have the family, why am I watching everyone else on FB post pictures of their children, of their husbands, of their realities.
But what we, well I can stop generalizing and say I, what I was missing was the piece that if I don't know who I truly am, if I can't stop protecting myself, in the way of not being vulnerable, not putting on a certain show, not acknowledging and putting out who I truly am, if I cannot truly love me for me, and remember who I am, then what is the actuality that I am even ready to have these blessings?
Sometimes it takes you to just be alone, with yourself, to dig deep into your past to share experiences that you've not shared with others, because these stories are who you are, and they are apart of you. They will always be chapters in your story, and it isn't until you are able to re-read, highlight, and understand the shit out of your own story that you will truly be able to write part 2.
This will be one one of the scariest things you do, but this risk is one that without a doubt will be worth the struggle, and stories that I plan to share, won't be pretty, sarcastic, humorous, but just honest, and that is a promise I am making to me, myself and I.
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