Oh She Writes?

 I think it can be said that one can have many different perspectives throughout their life on certain situations that are vital to or are said to be vital to their existence while on this earth. Let's be clear on what I am referring to, which is love. The most beautiful but overly complicated free gift we all are given the moment we enter into this life. Actually, pause and rewind, we're given this even before we're welcomed onto earth by our mothers who carry us within their wombs. 

We are born from and into love, yet if its something we all inherently get so easily and free, why is it such a top of discussion and in routine cases something we can't figure out how to receive and give? Now love to me personally takes on many personas, there's the love that I have been given from my family, which has always been undeniable. 

There is love in a way that I have had for a friend, some deeper then others, but a loving supportive care of genuine reciprocated respect and kindness. And then, there is that third love, the love that is so heavily pushed upon us the second we are able to express love for the opposite and or same sex.  Right out of the gate, you hear conversations "look how cute they are, just wait until they're grown up" or the ever so famous "pairing" off of children based on common play dates and activities they are surrounded within throughout their life. 

Its so engraved that the reason to be and live, is to find your person. I don't want to completely un-romanticize this idea, because love is love, and for many and the majority of people in my life, you are there, experiencing that joy and gift. But what I have begun to ponder, and again, refer to the beginning sentence/thought, is how my perspective on this type of love has changed. There was a part of me that so undyingly used to crave the happy ending. 

Wanting to have that sparkly piece on my finger, picturing the day my family watches me in that white dress, fantasizing about little ones that I could call my own. It was such a priority in my life, I pretty much entertained and ran with partners that couldn't be any different then I, and were just not my person. 

This, this sits heavy with me, not because I regret the interactions, but because I wish I realized what I know now, and gave that version of myself grace. I think, as with anything in life, being aware of what is, and what was, is really something that can aid in helping you navigate through the path to discovering yourself. 

When I look back, and can picture that girl, on those dates, trying to say the right thing, dressing the right way, molding myself to each being, just so that I could give my family that moment, or bring home someone on the holidays, or so I could feel something, anything remotely to what I thought it was supposed to feel like, I realized I could of been dating Zac Efron, Carson Daly (prior heartthrobs) but it wouldn't of mattered.

 I was looking for someone else to validate me, to make me feel loved, to shower me with the attention and security and comfort I was so desperately seeking. I would go the extra mile to shower the person with unexpected gifts, to prove how much I cared, go and meet families, mothers, knowing exactly what to say to make them completely ooze over me with admiration. I played the role, because I thought I had to, and I didn't know how else to get that happiness I thought was only attainable from another person. 

Navigating relationships, whether you want to say it or not, right now, at this age is overwhelming, exhausting, and can really take a toll on you, and when I say I am not perfect, and still make mistakes, that's an understatement. Even today, I allowed myself to feel a way because I didn't wake up to a responsive text, and then I had to catch myself, draw back and remember what I have learned through each journey I've been on. 

From this rambling, which I thus turn into a published post, I wanted to share that the one and only person that I've learned that can give me the happy ending I want, can validate me on every choice and decision I make, the person who can give myself a high-five after the morning workouts, or can give me the true love that I so inherently was looking for in someone else, is me. 

I am she, and I want to just ask for a presence of grace, to friends and families that have someone in their life who is in a similar transition, who is taking a journey that might not look like the typical 34 year old (or whatever age resonates with you) path, because we are all exactly where we are meant to be, and doing our best each day.

 And to those of you reading this who can relate, trust that what is meant for you will be yours. Love can be found in so many different ways, it doesn't have to be the conventional approach, and until you find that you can give yourself the love you need, you can't expect anyone else to give it back to you, on any type of level that you wish or desire for yourself.  

The path isn't always what you thought it would be, but that is the beauty of each of our own unique stories, and to me, that is the kind of love that I will continue to seek. 

As always, tell them that you love them.

Abby C Ashton