Shades of Grey

My prior blog post was dedicated to loss, and heartbreak. It was clear in my words, and the egg shells I walked on when writing that in the moment I thought I was standing my ground, recognizing the pain, and was strong enough to believe, I could walk away. What I want to be honest about, was I wasn't. Those words came from a girl, who was in love, deeply. They were words of hope in a sense, with a lingering sadness. They expressed mildly the nature of my current state, but, they weren't honest. 

Pretending to be someone I'm not, because fear of rejection has been a consistent struggle in my life. Strength in moments of weakness, that I portrayed, was not the strength I so eagerly wanted to have. So, I wrote, I used words, to deliver what I could, masked by underlying weakness. 

Within the last year, I have experienced true rejection, betrayal, defeat, on multiple levels. I had lost faith in myself and thought that I deserved the way I was being treated, both personally and professionally. I was in a haze of grey, shadowed by fear, failure, rejection. 

Life on my end, has never been according to the norm, yes I am 36 years old, yes I have never been proposed to nor married. I have no children, yet I always have had that desire, or was told I should. I pushed, I accepted behavior I shouldn't have, but I, I myself, was never truly myself, and there are no excuses, or buts, it is the matter I presented myself.

What I failed to recognize, was that in those years, what I was doing, was eliminating any power, self worth, or true identity I had. Friendships were lost, out of fake connections, and relationships were had, that never seemed to work out in the way they should. Heartbreak is not an unfamiliar phase to me, it was constant, and excruciating, and the questions of why me consumed my mental being. 

Being honest with yourself, is the only way you can be honest with someone else. This goes with any relationship, family, friends, romantic partners. The vulnerability that this entails, also takes strength, and is easily masked by addictions, temptation, in the moment highs, that no one person is to blame for or should be consumed by.

What I failed to recognize, was the self-respect that I so eagerly demanded of others, was solely based on the self-respect I had for myself. Forgiving others, is part of life. It is something that is not easy, and the majority of those who forgive, forgive and hold the grudge, they never truly release that burden. 

What i recognized in a moment of hurt, was, I am to blame, for the relationships I've let in my life. I did not value myself, and because of this, I allowed others in my life to do the same. Relationships based on false hope, addiction, lies, deceit, the list goes on. 

I believe that life, will never be black and white, we all are living in the shades of grey. A moment of lost trust, and betrayal, can also be used as the pivotal moment you needed in your life, to turn the page, start the new chapter, in a way you never imagined you would be able to do.

Strength comes from defeat, and it is those that will always have my respect, admiration, that chose to build a better future for themselves, even if it means doing that alone, with whatever timeline given.  

I don't want to just have admiration for those people, but I want to be that person, and tonight, that is what I commit to myself.

My story has just begun, and I have never been prouder of the woman sitting behind this keyboard, writing this post.

Tell them you love them.

ACA