Fits and Giggles

I think it’s quite easy to think selfishly whenever something good happens to you. Although there is the pleasure in knowing you accomplished what you set to do, we have to realize that we didn’t get where we are today, without the opinions, rules, moldings, and love of those who did not decide if they were going to be in your lives or really have a choice, but they did decide to put themselves aside, constantly, and ensure you were taken care of.    I was fortunate enough to be brought into an amazing family.   I was raised by two parents who have never been anything other then in love with each other. I have/had not 1, 2 but 3 grandmothers, 2 great grandmothers, and 2 grandfathers, all whom I created and still have strong relationships with. I was constantly around cousins, aunts, uncles and never went a day without being told I was loved and knowing I had people on my side. I  was also given the best bond you can ever experience, in that of having a sibling...

As I’m on my 100 th plus ride back to the city I got to thinking about how much of a commonality this train ride has become to me at this point, triggering the reminiscent mindset, and got me back to thinking of my first train ride when I decided to move to NYC.   The girl on that train was completely and utterly terrified, but overwhelmingly excited and curious about what was to come. I can remember trying to fight back tears (yes I do shed those occasionally) when I turned around and saw my parents walking back down the stairs, to their home, back to my friends and family I’ve grown up with, back to comfort and security. I remember almost second guessing the move but that quickly got erased with the Holy #$*%#)$(@#) I actually did it, I jumped and now I have to figure out how to not plummet to the ground and land in a pile of shi, alone. I think a lot of people look for clarity in a big transition; it’s just a way of providing comfort to make one feel as if they are doi...

I find it that the best way to understand or comprehend something that you find the utmost confusing and mind boggling is to write what you know in hopes that those gained insights will lead to an actual answer, guided light, mind blowing realization etc.  What I do know is that the subject of love is something I admittingly know nothing about,  and admittingly don’t really want to know anything about. It’s not that I am completely jaded to the fact that it’s a good thing. I see how good it can be among friends and family, I see the reason why everyone is doing it, but I also think it shouldn't drive who you are and it most certainly shouldn't drive your every action, conversation and train of thought.  For the record, I feel there are continuous roadblocks in truly finding someone that you will wake up to every day, for the rest.of.your.life. That is one of the scariest and legit insane things to wrap your head around, let alone do. I also feel and will mention(...

Going with the flow is a characteristic/attitude that I feel has been permanently molded within my mindset, and really drives the way I approach many things. The upside of this is that you realize you really start to not give 2 F’s(pardon) about much, besides those things that have and will always matter to you. This allows you to work and progress solely on concrete and stable relationships and activities without fearing withdrawal, being letdown or failure. The downfall rounds out to the exact same notion as described above. You teach yourself to focus on only what you know, those you have known, and become an almost secondary being around anything/anyone that hasn’t existed within your reality. I firmly believe that every experience that has ever been had, has never been completely forgotten, but simply pushed away, so far in hopes it has no real effect on the present. Although this is not ideal its accurate and will determine what walls are forced down or firmly established....

It must be stated, that the writing you are about to enjoy below is based on fictional events, with fictional characters, and in noway has any relation to the author/provider at hand. Please use your own judgement and discretion when relating any similarities to both yourself, or and I.  So because this is a fictional story, we will give the star of the show the name: Mrendan Bullins, for following along/clarity purposes of course.   Main Character: Mrendan Bullins Storyline: Male above, communicates over a time span of 7 years, off and on, in and out, with the most recent attempt of expressing his ongoing/undying desire for girl. Male decides to drive to see girl, dines, dates, and continues the ongoing communication to suggest a mature serious outlook on the relationship, that was previously missing. The communication was a little scattered, but this was nothing new. Grand Finale: Girl decides to click on a common “liker” of the opposite sex on Mrendan Bul...

 “ A girl living in NYC is constantly searching for 3 things, a job, an apartment or love, and will always focus on the 1 thing she doesn't have, ending up in the cancellation of the two she actually does." (Carrie Bradshaw)  (I calculate this mathematically with the formula as follows: 1+1=-1 ) The above got me to thinking as I was sitting at home on holiday break, consuming too many calories and getting in as much Price is Right, The View and Sex in the City episodes as possible, that C. Shaw is completely dead on and accurate. Being content with one's own situation is a struggle, wanting it all weighs heavily on all plates and not only causes heart palps, but wrinkles, and unnecessary accelerated aging.  I feel the first step is to give/accept credit, where credit is due. This opens your eyes to see that what you have now, is how it is supposed to be, and what you are "lacking" you are not ready to receive.  Why is it so much easier to diges...